Day 23: RAWR!

You know, when Nick decided to join the Marines I didn't know that they would not only break him down but also, break me down.

I called the post office today just to make sure that my letters were sent and wouldn't be returned to me or whatever and they said that it is virtually impossible for that many letters to not reach their destination or to not have been returned to me.

So, they must be holding them from him. I understand they need to break them down in order to build them up, but at this point it's killing him and me.

I think the worst part is that my husband, the man that means more than anything to me on this planet thinks I don't care about him. He thinks that I have forgotten him and that I don't care enough to write. I know that he will eventually get the letters and know that I have been writing and that I do care about him very much and that I miss him very much, but his letters are so depressing right now.

I am so emotionally, mentally, and physically shot right now it is insane. I have slept a total of 3 hours in 3 days so that doesn't really help all that much.

I am in "survival mode". A place where I do what I can to get by, but it isn't really living. Everyone has noticed that I am not my normal "bubbly" self, but what can you expect when my other half is so far away. He doesn't know what is going on at home and if Ava and I are okay. What we are doing or how we are doing. I am just doing my daily routines, I don't want to be around people or spend time outside of the house. I just want to hang out at home and wallow in my self pity.

I am in a FUNK.

I want to be out of this funk but it is really hard. If I got a letter from Nick knowing that he got my letters I think that would snap me out of the funk.

Well, I suppose that is all for now.

Stay tuned as the days grow longer and my heart grows stronger.

Day 19: It's time to grow up

This sickness must me clarifying because I feel so much peace and clarity. 

WARNING! If you get offended easily or could feel major conviction you should probably stop reading.

So here it is. I have been feeling extremely torn the past couple of weeks. Here I am a young wife and mother and all of my friends are single girls who are looking for fun. I am not saying there is anything wrong with being single or having fun. I like to have fun too!

BUT It comes to a point where "fun" isn't so fun anymore. I am tired of trying to keep up with my single friends that can party all night and sleep all day. I love them very much but I am a mom. Ava doesn't let me sleep all day lol. I chose my path in life and I wouldn't take any part of it back. 

I believe everything happens for a reason. God gave me my husband and my daughter. In the past couple of months I have seen more of my birth mother in myself than ever before. Going out with my girl friends a lot, going to hookah bars, etc. I am done with this. I NEVER want to be like my birth mother. Abandoning my daughter is not something I want her to ever have to know. 

Now that Nick is gone I really have to step up my parenting game. I am now mother and father (for now). I have to be sensitive and nurturing and stern and disciplining. It is hard. I never want Ava to feel neglected even if at this age she won't remember. 

I am feeling torn because I love my friends but I need to be able to be the best mother and wife I can be and I don't know if I can do that and maintain my friendships.

So here is the change.. this is the part where I grow up.. and apart from the ways of the world.. and if that means losing friends.. so be it.. 

God has called me for so much more. It is time to grow up, stop talking and start listening.

I suppose that is all for now.. Stay tuned as the days grow longer and my heart grows stronger.

Day 17: Just Happy!

Man I don't know about you but, every once in a while I have those days where I wake up in such a FABULOUS mood that nothing can go wrong. Today is totally one of those days!

It doesn't bother me that I have a room full of mean, screaming, biting, hitting, etc. kids, that I need to pack everything by Saturday and have 2 boxes packed, that I need to focus on bills, book my flight and hotel and stuff for San Diego in August, that I have been feeling sick, or that my husband is not here, there is much more to worry about but I won't go into too much detail! lol.

Days like this make me feel like nothing can touch me.

But, don't worry.. the enemy won't let me off that easy.. I guarentee that tomorrow will be the worst day ever! Doesn't it always seem to end up like that?

I claim joyful good days for ever in the name of the Lord. :)

So I heard a new song today on Mix 106 and I really related to it. Although it is secular it has such an amazing underlying meaning.

Here are the lyrics:
I never thought that you would be the one to hold my heart
But you came around and you knocked me off the ground from the start

You put your arms around me
And I believe that it's easier for you to let me go
You put your arms around me and I'm home

How many times will let you me change my mind and turn around
I can't decide if I'll let you save my life or if I'll drown

I hope that you see right through my walls
I hope that you catch me, 'cause I'm already falling
I'll never let a love get so close
You put your arms around me and I'm home

The world is coming down on me and I can't find a reason to be loved
I never wanna leave you but I can't make you bleed if I'm alone

{ From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/c/christina-perri-lyrics/arms-lyrics.html }
You put your arms around me
And I believe that it's easier for you to let me go

I hope that you see right through my walls
I hope that you catch me, 'cause I'm already falling
I'll never let a love get so close
You put your arms around me and I'm home

I tried my best to never let you in to see the truth
And I've never opened up
I've never truly loved 'Till you put your arms around me
And I believe that it's easier for you to let me go


I hope that you see right through my walls
I hope that you catch me, 'cause I'm already falling
I'll never let a love get so close
You put your arms around me and I'm home

You put your arms around me and I'm home


Ugh.. I mean really?!? How perfect is this song? Love is such a splendid thing. No matter your age. When you find someone who makes you feel like the person God entended you to be and loves you like God loves you.. That is something truly remarkable.


I love the last line.. You put your arms around me and I'm home. <3 


8 more weeks until I will be "home".


Well, I suppose that is all that is on my mind for now.. Stay tuned as the days grow longer and my heart grows stronger.

Day 9: Perspective

Wow, looking over the past couple of weeks at statuses on Facebook, blogs, and just general conversations with people I have realized that a lot of bad stuff has happened to people around me. I have then taken that and personalized it. So although the bad stuff didn't exactly happen to me I let it kill my joy.

So here it is, the way you look at things (a.k.a. Perspective!) in life is everything. You can look at life everyday as something bad is going to happen or you can look at it like something good is going to happen. If a negative thing happens it is only to help you in the long run. I have been trying very hard to find the joyful things in life and focus on the positive. Yes, everyone has bad days but, it is what you do with those bad days that matters.

Realizing that you have to make a concious choice everyday to see the good in people, keep the faith, and be joyful is the first step. It doesn't just come naturally. Everyone has something good in them. Even if you have to look really hard.

So, here is my choice from now on.. JOY!

Stay tuned as the days grow longer and my heart grows stronger.

Day 7: How much time?

I missed a few days out of pure busyness and exhaustion.

In the past 72 hours I have had a total of 6 hours of sleep. And most of that sleep was last night. I think that it is getting easier to fall asleep but it still isn't the same. When you are so used to having someone there and they are all the sudden gone it is like a piece of you is missing. But at least my heart is reassured because I know that he will be in my arms again.

I came to the realization in all my self pity how truly strong Heidi (Nick's cousins wife) is. Here she is just lost her soul mate. She is feeling like I am feeling only she will never get to hold him again here on earth. I want to apologize to Heidi for my total disregard.

God has a truly unique way of speaking to me through other peoples situations. And I am really seeing peoples pain. I know I can't help everyone in the world and I know I can't take away everyones pain. You never know what people are going through. If you are like me I usually try to hide my feelings and pretend things are okay but, lately I have had my heart on my sleeves. I think that God is trying to soften my hard heart and feel the way he feels about people.

I still miss my husband and I am still working on the kinks in my life but, God is doing something BIG in my life.

Stay tuned as the days get longer and my heart grows stronger.

Day 4: Days like today

Oh man.. it has already been 4 days! I can't believe it! Only... 87ish more to go... I'm glad that it seems to be going by pretty quick.

BUT...

It's days like today that I just want to come home from work and melt into his arms.

Today there was so much that went on I don't even know where to start. We have 11 teachers and our director everyday one person has the day off. So we start with 10. Then Tari had an emergency with her water heater!! Oh man!! So now we have 9. Then Lisa's family comes into town early!! Yay!! Now we have 8. Then Rhonda's little girl as a 102 temperature!! Holy Cow!! Now we have 7!! Also, Jessica our director was out for an appointment.. she totally deserved the day off!! Yay!! In the end we ended with 6 of us. Now if you don't realize how many kids per teacher there is allowed and then we have after schoolers still to come you might think that its no big deal... but it was a HUGE deal. On top of that the kids were EXTRA naughty today!! I could have pulled my hair out!!

So now I just need to relax and vent on here since my honey isn't here to vent to!

In other good news.. Ava's birthday is tomorrow!!! Yay!!! Can't believe my baby is so big.

Still miss my honey but I am glad time seems to be going pretty fast.

Well that's all for tonight. Stay tuned as the days get longer and my heart grows stronger.

Day 3: Realization.

Well after having an awful night/morning I came to the realization that I am a lot more dependent on my other half than I thought.

First let me back up and tell you about my night. So, I decided to go get some grocery shopping done since the laundromat was jam packed full of people. (Who would have thought that the laundromat was such a popular place on a Tuesday night.. I thought I had accidentally driven to Buffalo Wild Wings or something.  Oh right, grocery shopping. So I get to the store and realize I forgot my list so I figure oh well I'll just wing it. So I get done shopping and realize that I forgot my debit card in the car. So I tell the lady I need to run and get it but I'll be back before she finishes ringing up my groceries. So I go out there find my card which had fallen under the seat and run back inside only after locking my keys in the car. So I come back out with my groceries and realize what I had done. So I get out my phone and start to call Nick... Well then I realize that he isn't anywhere near a place he can help me.

So, here it is. I always thought I was this tough independent woman and it turns out I am dependent on my husband for a lot! Things such as: anything with the car i.e.: oil change, gas, locking keys inside, etc., reminders i.e.: take lunch to work with me, waking up for work ( he is my alarm clock), etc.

I guess what I am trying to say is it is going to be a long eye opening 12 1/2 ish weeks.

Come home soon honey!! I need you!! :)

Well, I suppose that is all for now. Stay tuned as the days grow longer and my heart grows stronger.

Day 2: Back to "Normal".

So here we are Tuesday, the next day, so everything should be back to our normal routine right? Well, what do you consider "Normal"? I woke up without my other half, got Ava ready and went to work, went to the store and locked my keys in my car, went to call my honey for help and realized he isn't going to be able to come and help me, came home to an empty house.

It is difficult for me to come home to an empty house and realize that this is "normal" now, at least for a little while. And I hate this "normal". I hated the feeling when I realized Nick couldn't come running to my rescue like he has so many times before. I guess you don't realize how much a spouse does for you until they aren't there to do it anymore.

As much as it sucks for me to be here I can only imagine what it must be like for him. At least here I have family and friends to surround me with love and support. He doesn't have that. He is truly alone. Being torn down to be brought up the way the Marines want him. When I look at it that way it makes my heart break in an entirely different way. I miss my future marine and I can't wait to be in his arms again.

Well, that is all for now. Stay tuned as the days grow longer and my heart grows stronger.

Day 1: the departure.

When Nick told me he wanted to join the Marines I was a little apprehensive but, it has been something he has wanted to do for a long time so I said okay. When he swore in it still felt like we had so long before he had to leave so I was still feeling pretty fine. We had our ups and downs with the stress of unemployment, a sick child, etc. When we got married we said till death do us part and that is what we both meant. No matter how low our valleys we both know how much we love each other.

So Nick left today, and this is one of those times you almost wish your relationship was in a valley so it wouldn't be so hard to let him leave. I tried to be strong and hold it together but Nick and I have never been apart for longer than a few days. This is going to be one of the hardest things I have ever had to deal with.

I am so proud of him. He has done so much for our little fam[ily] and now he is making one of the biggest sacrifices of our lives. He is such an amazing man and I will be here holding down the fort until he is back in my arms again.

Watching him walk through security and onto the beginning of our future I couldn't help but smile and cry. It will be a hard few months and I will miss him every second of every day. I am surrounded by so much love and support it is an incredible feeling.

Well, that's all for now I suppose. Stay tuned as the days get longer and my heart grows stronger.